Google Wants to Put Data Centers in Space? Yeah, Right.

Google, huh? Space data centers. Project Suncatcher. Give me a freakin' break. So, the company that can't even keep its messaging apps straight now wants to conquer outer space?

This whole thing smells like a giant PR stunt designed to distract us from, oh I don't know, the fact that they still track every damn thing we do online.

They claim it's about meeting the "rising demand for AI" and minimizing the impact on "land and water resources." Translation: "We want to build even bigger AI models but don't want to deal with pesky things like environmental regulations or NIMBYism." According to Google plans to put datacentres in space to meet demand for AI, the company is looking to use solar panels in space that can be up to eight times more productive than those on Earth.

Space: The Final (and Dumbest) Frontier for Tech Bros

Let's be real, the only thing "minimized" here will be Google's tax bill. I bet they'll find some loophole to claim these space data centers as "research facilities" or some other BS.

And the "solar panels that can be up to eight times more productive than those on Earth"? Yeah, right. Sure, in a vacuum. What about micrometeoroids? Radiation? The sheer complexity of keeping 80 satellites in perfect formation, all powered by sunlight, while simultaneously running AI?

Elon Musk is on board with this too, of course. He's probably drooling at the thought of launching all this crap into orbit with SpaceX. It’s all about the Musk-Google synergy to pollute space together.

Oh, and let's not forget the astronomers who are already complaining about the rising number of satellites turning the night sky into "bugs on a windshield." I bet Google's answer to that will be, “Just look at our pretty TPUs instead!”

TPUs, by the way, are their "processors optimized for training and the day-to-day use of AI models". What's that even mean to normal people? Oh, right, it means nothing. It's just tech jargon designed to make them sound smart.

The Space Force Has Entered the Chat (and It's Not Good)

Meanwhile, the Space Force is busy worrying about China and "dynamic space operations." Apparently, we need to be able to refuel satellites in orbit and add "defensive capabilities" to them. Defensive capabilities? Like, space lasers? Are we seriously turning space into a freakin' battlefield? This is a bad idea. No, "bad" doesn't cover it - this is a five-alarm dumpster fire.

And the EU is trying to regulate all this space junk with its proposed space law, but the US is calling it "unacceptable." Because, offcourse, profits are more important than preventing a Kessler syndrome scenario where the whole orbit is a cloud of debris.

The Mitchell Institute recommends the Space Force "employ standardized satellite buses and form factors that can be more easily replaced aboard launch vehicles." Standardized? In space? That sounds about as likely as Congress agreeing on a budget.

So, What’s the Point?

Google says it's launching two prototype satellites by early 2027. Great. That gives them, what, two years to figure out how to solve "significant engineering challenges" like "thermal management, high-bandwidth ground communications and on-orbit system reliability"? I'm not holding my breath.

Then again, maybe I’m the crazy one here. Maybe space data centers are the future. Maybe I’m just a grumpy old man yelling at clouds… or, you know, satellites.

This Is Peak Tech Insanity