Pfizer's "Strong EPS Performance"? More Like Smoke and Mirrors

Pfizer's patting itself on the back for a "strong EPS performance" in Q3 2025? Give me a freakin' break. Let's be real, it's all about how you spin the numbers, ain't it?

The Numbers Game: Downward Trend Edition

Okay, so revenues are down 6% year-over-year. But hey, don't worry, they raised and narrowed their adjusted diluted EPS guidance! See? Progress! According to Pfizer Raises EPS Guidance to $3.00–$3.15, Narrows Range, the company is projecting an EPS between $3.00 and $3.15.

What that actually means is anyone's guess, offcourse. Are they making more money per share because they're selling MORE drugs? Nope. Because they're cutting costs. Layoffs, anyone? R&D cuts? Probably both.

They’re bragging about $7.2 billion in "overall anticipated net cost savings." Savings for who exactly? Not the patients who might benefit from that R&D, that's for sure.

And get this gem from CEO Albert Bourla: "strategic actions have strengthened opportunities to advance innovation…" Strategic actions? You mean layoffs?

Here's a newsflash: cutting costs ain't innovation. It's financial engineering. It's rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic while the iceberg gets closer.

The Art of the Deal (With the Devil?)

Then there's this "landmark agreement" with the U.S. Government to ensure Americans get "comparable drug prices." Oh, how generous! Except, reading between the lines, it's probably just a way to avoid tariffs and keep the gravy train rolling. A "three-year grace period" if they "further invest in manufacturing in the United States"? Sounds like a bribe with extra steps.

And what's this TrumpRx.gov thing? Seriously? This sounds like some kinda… I don't even know what to call it.

Oh, and they're still trying to buy Metsera? Even after Novo Nordisk tried to swoop in? Pfizer's lawyers are gonna be busy. Suing everyone in sight. Breach of contract, breach of fiduciary duty, tortious interference... Sounds expensive.

I mean, are they REALLY that desperate to get their hands on obesity drugs? Is that where the big money is now?

Pipeline Dreams and Broken Promises

Let's talk about the pipeline, shall we? All those "positive topline results" from Phase 3 trials. Padcev, Tukysa, Xtandi... sounds impressive, right? But what about inclacumab? "Did not meet its primary endpoint." Translation: epic fail.

They keep pushing this narrative of innovation, but how much of it is real, and how much is just marketing BS?

Then again, maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe Pfizer really is on the verge of a breakthrough. Maybe those cost-cutting measures are actually smart strategic moves. Maybe... nah.

So, What's the Real Story?

It's the same old song and dance: boost the stock price, keep the shareholders happy, and screw everyone else.